Disagreements happen from time to time. Arguments occur when you or your partner feel misunderstood, not listened to or when neither of you validate. You can create a healthy relationship by DISCUSSING your feelings without the drama and deepen your love. Here are some of the ways:

Ground Rules: Do not bring up the past or other situations into the discussion that you are presently engaged in. Avoid any ‘below the belt’ fighting. This ranges from insults thrown towards family members, subtle put-downs, or direct verbal assaults toward the one you LOVE. This is your life partner, this should not about who wins where you leave behind the damage. It stays with you and between you and your partner.

Your conversations need not be a battlefield for you to be the victor towards a ‘bloody’ encounter.

Bring the other issues up at another time, and keep them separate from the current one that is on the table. This requires honesty and integrity, caring and respect – not unproductive criticism. So don’t attack, or guilt them, nor yell.

Listen by not interrupting, giving each other the room to express genuine feelings, to get to the core of problem; to resolve the issue. Give them your undivided attention (active listening) that includes eye contact, too. Most importantly, do not leave abruptly to ‘win’ the argument or run away from the situation. If it becomes too intense, just say you need to take a minute, but stay with the moment – unless, of course, it results in toxic behavior. So set clear boundaries, give each other a time frame so that you can respond to what is being presented. If it becomes too intense, overwhelming, say so and take a a few minutes to regroup your thoughts and feelings and come back together.

This is your partner, not your adversary, so don’t do things that undermine them or the relationship, because ultimately you support each other.

What is All this Fighting for?

Fairly divide the ‘chores’ of the housework between EACH of you so that you are participating in the care of a shared living environment. If there is a power struggle, you will soon notice certain behaviors.

Actions and behaviors affect every relationship, some are cute and entertaining, add to the enjoyment of your lives together, but when it starts to undermine the wealth you are attempting to invest in your relationship, then it needs to be addressed.

Is it really about the lid off the toothpaste? Is it about forgetting the dry cleaning? No, it isn’t, not really. What does it represent to you? What feelings are brought up for you? What is underneath their/your behavior? What are you suppressing? It’s not just about the trash being put out either.

You could be overworked, tired, distracted, or it’s years of a habitual pattern. If this is a huge issue for the both of you, then take a look at what is going on. Do you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, unloved in some fashion? Why & how are you affected? These are signs and an opportunity for deepening the relationship by having your partner aware of what is going on with you by beginning a dialogue; opening up the lines of communication and sharing your most intimate self – your feelings – to eliminate resentment and build a closer more fulfilling relationship.

It may not get him or her to put the cap back on, or resolve trash night completely, give it time, give him/her room to look at this action, habit, behavior and continue to work at building your house of love.

Love Makes a Choice

These words were uttered in the movie, ‘On a Clear Day You Can See Forever’ (1970) from the hypnotist ‘Dr. Marc Chabot’ - which differs somewhat from Scott Pecks’ – “Love Is a Choice”.

Love is a verb – it is an action – it is an emotion, a feeling and not an intellectual thought, however it is subject to rewrite by our expanding on our own understanding and growing knowledge of Love, yet Love still remains an emotion. Love is an existence of a profound deep core, emergent upon sometimes illusive factors that don’t always add up to some formula by analysis alone – Love just IS.

Spiritual evolution gives us a greater understanding of the expansion of Love and it’s need for compassion to then encompass Love’s capability to move towards choosing Love over negative behaviors and thoughts that lead us away from Love’s origin. We are by our very nature LOVE, all the rest is subject to interpretation by the mind by thinking ourselves separate or autonomous. We are not. We are inter-dependent upon certain things, factors which create our lives, have it be a more livable existence.

We are an intrinsic part of the whole, where we part of the wheel and at the core the ‘hub’. When we remember that we are all interconnected, that we are not as separate at the core, then we can let go of the negative. We do not have to feel that we are not getting our needs met of comfort, solace, caring, nurturing, as a truth, as we do have the function and ability to have some of these needs met without placing some of that expectation on another. We can learn to grow and become finding some of these needs in nature, renewing and reviving, and then out of that is born the ability to make room for the other persons existence as we continue to learn and grow while making room for our ‘mistakes’ and that of the other, which leads to compassionate understanding – a component of love, but is not the whole of love itself. Love is much bigger and expands upon itself, and evolves as we learn to evolve as spiritual beings as we become more globally aware towards a humanitarian movement.

That is not to say that we do not have a basic need for connection; by either listening or spending time with someone, or a simple gesture as to touch an arm or shoulder or {{hug}} these are still some or part of what our basic needs are.

The next step in growing in love and becoming conscious and aware of our existence is the freedom to express ourselves. We have a responsibility to what the content of our communication is. If it is meant or intended to harm, then where resides our love? At this level you do not allow certain toxic behavioral imbalance within someone’s psyche to be dumped on you or any other person. While some of this is subject to interpretation – what is the harm in words, words we choose DO have an impact and an effect (cause and effect=karma) There must be an acknowledgement of these actions in order to identify the thinking process to set it back on the path of harmony and balance, thereby, realigning one’s self with the love that resides within.

Love at that level is the place where our innate nature of Love MAKES a choice, and we can thereby express ourselves more effectively with clarity of purpose, identifying that which we are upset about rather than dump our feelings onto someone else, causing injury in the psyche and within the emotional aspect of our body – to unload it onto anyone to carry, is not healthy.

On the Road to Forgiveness

When we hold onto resentments, past hurts, old grudges who are we punishing? We run the scene over and over in our mind running the ‘tape’ and churn over the wrong that was done. How do we learn to ‘let it go’?

We think we are punishing the other person by thinking just how awful they were/are and our stomach reacts, maybe you get a headache. Who’s harmed more? Are we really punishing the person or ourselves; who’s really hurt?We affect our health far more than actually harming the other person.

Love is they key to unlock past hurts, resentments and give us the strength to forgive. When we forgive that which was once a hardened barrier, the effects begin to soften our heart and starts to release it’s hold on us, allowing us move forward towards newness, no longer carrying those misplaced heavy burdens which affects our physical, mental, emotional health & wellbeing. When we forgive & release we are then free to reclaim our true essence once again.

Forgiveness is a process of realization – an awakening to our own imperfections - a looking back at the growth from our own past mistakes and the grace from others who found the ability to search within their own hearts to forgive us. In so doing, that kindness of forgiveness, that moment, creates a shift within our body, our mental landscape changes and our emotions soften where there is relaxation - a release of stress & tension that we didn’t realize we were holding onto through the whole of the process until that moment of Forgiveness; we’ve learned how to be free.

Whether it was a breaking of trust, or slight, thoughtless actions, or hurtful words, can you find it within yourself to heal that riff?? Can you then look upon the ‘other’ person who transgressed and give them the same grace and room to grow up, mature into their best possible self as a wiser human being??

I have heard it said that we have evolved past the need to forgive - beyond anything to be forgiven. This thinking has us believing that ‘we can do no wrong’ at any time as we go through life, because we are ‘innocent’. It’s true that we are innocent and is so up until the point comes when we become aware of affecting someone positively or negatively by our lack of consciousness to what we are doing.

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I believe that is where we are heading in this new way where we are going to become conscious & responsible beings to our own existence and how that impacts the people, places and the world around us – we can no longer hide in ignorance or claim innocence, we must instead reclaim our limitless intelligence and heart-centered wisdom, so that we no longer do or say that which ‘harms’. When that day comes there will be nothing left to Forgive and this world will be a place to live, based on the consciousness of LOVE.

Having Closure at the End of a Relationship

You and I have gone through it, whether we ended the relationship or our partner ended it – either way it was difficult – with things left unsaid

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Maybe you were afraid to express your feelings, or perhaps you had apprehension over revealing something to that person which had you hold back from sharing your deeper thoughts, feelings and emotions. Fear of a reaction, rejection can shut a part of you down which effects your accessibility where you become unavailable to the relationship. This is in no way blame, instead creating awareness.

The hardest part of the letting go process is that we had hopes and dreams that were part of that relationship, and when someone ends the relationship, it leaves us with whatever was unresolved that hangs in the air like a San Francisco foggy day.

We walk into it and it’s still there just hanging around. How then do we give it voice – to begin to release the hold that the unspoken words and emotions that are left behind?? I learned a method that has helped me over the years and still works to this day.

First you will need to find some time to devote to the process, more than 5 minutes where you will be undisturbed. Second, set the scene. You’ll need two chairs for this! Third, set one chair opposite the other. Fourth, sit in one chair and visualize your partner sitting in the other.

Fifth, now, say all the things you wanted to say to him or her, you might want to start out with something small and then allow whatever comes up to come out and if you find yourself shouting, sobbing or stomping your feet, that’s okay – just let the emotions come to the surface for release.

You may find that you will have to do this more than once and possibly over a period of time before you notice a change.

As you begin to speak the hold that was over you will start to begin to feel lighter and the fog will begin to lift.

This process can be used for any situation that you have difficulty with – saying what needs to be said to a friend, family, co-worker or stranger. Speak your truth and eventually you’ll have enough practice and experience to take it to the next level, face to face.